good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
