I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize