I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
