Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
