my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
did i just pee glitter
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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