I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
