I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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