Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
