Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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