i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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