i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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