he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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