new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
