I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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