If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
