i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
