And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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