Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
