Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
