I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
