I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
