His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
