I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
