Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
