life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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