So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
