Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
