I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
True college students do jello shots in the library
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