I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize