Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
