You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
