When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
