I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
