So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
