Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
