Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
