Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
