Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
