I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
