I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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