she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I came so hard my ears popped.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
