My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
