in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
barbara walters just said penis...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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