covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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