Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
