Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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