mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
