will power is for people who don't want to get laid
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize