tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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