this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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