Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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