I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She's JV to your varsity
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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