i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
