fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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