dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't deserve a penis
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
