Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
