At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
