I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
