Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
