I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize